unwraping the unwanted box

the only guys i feel secure are my siblings...for years, i've never look on guys other than them..basically, i was immune with the other gender and pay no interest with them. i'm more attracted with girls....they're adorable, sweet and understanding...i feel so carefree being with them....amazingly great companies.Haish...am I straight? I wonder......that's the question that always hit this mind.



I belong to me. that's what i'm thinking and feeling for years. there, I have no idea that it won't be long where my life will totally change at 19.....



is into someone right now....I've surprised myself on how on earth it will be this fast.. so like fast and furious..farah is right, telling people is not curable for this disease..everything you feel is best flooded by writing rather seeking friends...more accurately, i hardly let friends share such feelings and private thingy..best keep inside...again, I do agree with farah, when sharing,all we need to do is to listen, keep your mouth shut... okay, back to the story,



when first I felt it, i think it just temporary..that i befriended with guys and girls at fac.etc...bla..bla..bla. because girls and boys usually would have platonic relationship. I ignored it, claim that it's the 'social boom'. Day in..day out, few month passed by and now i know that it coudn't be this serious. for one part it's a prove that...I'm not lesbo...huhuuhu... no..no..tidak..tidak...ok.



sometimes...love overshadow the literal mind and thought. In certain part, you just let it control you just like that..that's what i know...my, god-save-me. what makes me so attracted to this one is mysterious....and out of mind. but for sure, it makes me glad enough just to be there...although far beyond the block. I can feel the presence...by me or far away. i've carried away this feeling for months...secretly secure under my bed. no one ever know this, not the roommates too. because for one thing i surely feel is shame of myself to have such feeling....seriously...



i didn't let the one know neither closest friends. but one evening...the darkest fear of my life turn reality...i was crying when praying asar.....(shoot, how on earth...) I was alone...suddenly, out of nowhere...my rummates entered...i've never drop into tears before them, it was kind of shock watching me crying a river...no more secret..



usually it it always me to comfort people....melting down fear and revive the feeling....so, i did feel good when they comforting me.....we share the thought and such a good advise they'd deliver.



let set aside the confession..just let you alert that I'm normal.....not the angelic devine angel that have no feeling towards 'adam'.



currently, i think it is the best for me to stay single because i'm not ready yet to have partner in life...seriously yes because i just don't know how to handle it....it creates an awkward situation for me.my life is cherish and blossomed with friends and siblings for companion. that's the love i mostly wanted in life in human sense. I being loved and adored by these girls in asasian...like a toy, i lived in the playhouse. so, dear friends...every moment with you is a heaven joy i had. same goes to my siblings....we are still the PDA bro and sis......so free in public......we are just like this...don't mind us..



i'm settle with this tingly feeling now....relief to exactly know how to handle it. final words....i'm just not fit have partner yet.....like my friend said....'kalau ada tu ada la...tuhan tu je bile dia nak bagi.'
*sigh*