family...again

I went back to syah alam earlier than me myself expected..I'd arrived here last sunday after the short homecoming..reading the post in sai's blog, make me think twice..why am i going back such early? then i found it...sometimes I really felt homesick and want to go back in no time. Meet my mom and stay at full house. Yeah, once I'm be there, it is the worldly heaven for couple of hours..the best feeling to have..after that, i just felt overwhelmed and trapped..want to escape and run away from that place.



I'm expecting something better when I was at home, with all sorts of plan to work out as a family..live as a family. Instead of that, it just a day dreaming. I have a little nephew living with me but he spend most of his time at school, so in other words, I'm just his nanny. Other than that, I'm all alone at home, have no one to talk to, have no one to be by my side when it felt cold, everything is just me...with no companion..me myself is a pathetic loner..



It is nobody fault my home is so homeless...i have a mom working so hard day and night taking care on school and students...yeah, she's a teacher but the way she works is not portrayed as a teacher..something more than that. That's why she's so busy and rarely went back home...(she's a warden too). I have no right to file complaint on her....even sometimes she felt guilty to leave me alone with a little nephew to accompany with.



I assured her that I'm okay with that, the comforting words of me to her is to make her feel alright..I mean it's enough for her to worry on her school and students..worrying me only add tonnes of burden to her. Then again, I can't resist that I'm perfectly lonely....can't do anything at home..I devoted most of my free time reading books..read and read...accompany with the soft music on ears. So, only by going back shah alam earlier will free my soul..I need to communicate with people, see the beauty of this world and befriend...



Now, here in mawar..I cherish my life with my darlings and babes...faey, aisyah, awatif, najah..my empty heart is filled again..it just fews of them, but means zillions to me. The message here is not to say i hate to be at home..i love to be there..only sometimes i just want to escape from there to another place. It is the feeling I feel. You might feel the same too if 2 brothers of you in overseas, little brother in boarding school and dad's not around anymore...just you and a mom. I believe some of you might don't understand living in such circumstance..I really dream of having a proper family again, sitting together for meal, cracks silly jokes with every one of them, sharing and pouring everything you felt to them, doing chores together, and doing everything as a family once again...How I'm missing old memories..