Poker face-it's the life

Of all the time I had in Uitm, I feel that I've changed in so many ways and side. It is the fact that somehow horrifying me. Changes in one self is the good thing to happen as it is what me myself called self-evolvement. It is a horror to know either I've turned more into Dr. Jekyll side or fall into Mr. Hyde soul. The circumstance I live in is the battlefield I'd face and at that time for sure there's no enough weapon neither an armour to help me in this. I was all alone. Few knew how hard I've struggle silently with this mental. Put on the poker face is what I'd love to do. It is not the problematic situation that came from a way only but yeah, the people too add up more to that. The questions in my mind was why..why .. and why..but actually now I know it it should be how..

I've been thinking deliberately that to know if you are really who you are is to jump up from your safe zone and out of your world. I done that and thanks god, I do have strong personality and stand to what I want. Sometimes you should put a hard- iron face to let people know they can't mess up with me. I always pronounce my pray to god to put me in the best place he choose..the best course to study..with the great people and friends and thanks to him I got the best of both world. The dearest friends I have (it's present tense..watch it), come with the colourful rainbow of life.. so, it open up the different view of life that change my attitude towards people. I think I am nicer to people as I smile a lot and laugh a lot. they rocked my life because I used to be the type of girl that hardly smile. It's the change of life.

Other than that, for the close friends I have, I love to drag them to a deeper conversation sometimes, talking about the matter of life, religion and something that make us ponder, then reflect back to ourselves. It is satisfying to have that kind of conversation because the more we talk the more we understand each other. My mates know best on this. It may be the reason why they call me 'kakak' I think. The tight-knitted relationship we have is opulent. Yes, the manner I have at the faculty and college is quite different. Like, a lady-like girl transform into girlicious all out girl as I turned my head into Mawar territory. haaha..it is not the hypocrisy to promote to people but it is the flexible attitude to be exact. friendship is not only comprise the 3 words -I love u-I'm missing u-I need u....it bring the whole thing inside. To show grattitude and love towards them is by taking care their need, correcting the wrong and hold their hands to walk in the right lane. We hurt sometimes, we mad at them, wish them to get off from life but at the end, we realize who is the real friends and fiends.. Nemesis is everywhere as they too disguise as the man of god. Here are the experience that taught us everything and soon we know it.

On the other side, I've changed in the negative side also, apart from the good. A bit liberal I think. Not in the religion thingy for sure but the other thing. Easy to say is I let my guard down to certain people when i'm not even intended to do so. Allowing the things i hated to do happened to me. Know when it is wrong literary but still..hmm. I don't know what to say. It is a bit when people think it's okay, but it's vice versa. Is it the downfall of the piece of me? Yes, a piece of me, but I'm afraid it would tear more and more. That's the reason of not getting the true serenity there. I read holy quran, I pray, I abide but it just not enough and less than nothing when you didn't put the soul in that. It's like eating pasta without the sauce..it's blunt. It's a big disappointment to me. Reminiscing back to the days.I feel i'm the shameless girl. To start that, to do this, to do that..what else to come up next? I get that, I lost this. Is it the price I have to pay?

So then again, at home..to be the only me here. I feel the serenity and peace I lost. Because although with all the good time I had there, the real peace is at home at last. Here, I study myself back, many mistakes have been done, foul in that and there's more. So, I dedicated most of my spare time here to learn and self study. To be closer and more into my eligion. Yeah, I scared. Scared to think am I have enough time to corrected it back? am I forgiven ? because my pillar is shaking sometimes. I do feel worry if I die before repentance, to kick into the hellfire. To be intelligent and humble servant is the task to be completed in life. In other aspect, it is an empty space i feel inside too, like I worry to know that I didn't know enough, a dummy in sorts of knowledge. I want to be the one who can explain matter on the field I've been in. It is the satisfaction to have.There in Uitm, I found myself hardly top up on the matter of islamic knowledge..from books ( I read some), preaching and whatsoever. either I don't have the time to do so or feel reluctant..any reason is accepted. So, this the time to indulge on things I want without any disturbance. It may be a dull life for some but you just don't know it.

Anyway, whatever happened in life, I feel thankful and grateful to have it..bitter or sweet..black or white..I know myself better and I proud to be me. God knows the suit life for us.The colour of life we have give us either 2 options, to drawn in the flow or to lead it in our own way. Many failed to choose the right road and believe they are on the correct path..many too failed to select the right way, but managed to realize it and turned back,....some are too blind to know which road is which and lost forever...and which type we are in?