i have an issue......

Ira said friendship should be the issue in this November month…agree with that but I think topic on relationship will bring it in a wholly perspective..yeah..why because lately, facebook is flooded with such posts and it seems unstoppable. People will not enough stop babbling about friendship, family matter and yeah, the on-off relationship too is always become the most popular stuff people wanna talk about…the heart wrenching conflicts..like everybody does.

I have an issue……….

Taking a deep sigh, I’m telling you, I also become a contributor in friendship issue..hoping this writing would not offend any parties as I know, as I progress writing this column, some or maybe all of you would get hurt. Hmm, it is difficult to decide whether to be out loud or to mute it aloof. Now, because I keep it soo long over the period, I’m suffering the overwhelmed sadness and misery. I smell the sign of withdrawal for very long time ago..but of course since the starting semester was where it began. I could feel it…my heart sends the same tone..the instinct never false. I notice that before..didn’t you??

Don’t ask me where does it went wrong? Because I couldn’t tell you how, where and by which possibilities is it happen..because maybe it’s me for everything had happened… be with me, I know there’s a thought in mind telling you that I will be able to take care of yourself…to become as what you’re hoping good as. Putting a high hope that I can be someone you able to depend on in anything make you think that I really do. Too much hope and expectation from people is what I feel. You know, when I’m bragging the issue of what I think you should deal with right… it just like showering over a dead leaf. I tell my uneasiness feeling of what they’re doing, manner and such thing, as I hope it makes us behave with akhlak mahmudah. I think it don’t really work to everyone. The thing is that, you know really well the do’s and don’ts in Islamic teaching and I think I just should put a reminder to you. He asked me to take care of you and beautified you with the akhlak mahmudah…I said I try my best as I’m not the best example to be a model..but it motivates me being a better muslimah. Hmm…did I succeed?? Idk.

You used to get me when anything went wrong in your life….telling me that’s something went wrong… and I’m being there besides you..tapping your shoulder..hugging you tight.. and try to solve the matter although it’s unfinished maze..but to be with you in shines and rains make me feel a worth company in all times. You used to make me feel that..you used to… but then again, this time..i didn’t play the role… I not even have the casting… everything is now in your pocket..you play the role by yourself… that’s the first sign of withdrawal….I see something went wrong but you didn’t tell me. Owh… I did asked but left unanswered.

I don’t want to discuss the conflict I’m struggling with… all I ever feel right now is guilty……the total blame on myself…I feel the faulty is all mine… I hate to see distance created between us…..so I’m thinking I am worst in bonding a good communication…. No good in mingle with people I would like to be with..whom I care… how a jerk it is.. seriously, reika is founded as serious, rigid person people could tell….she has no jokes although if she have..people find it’s the super lame jokes..laughing because of the stupidity… and none repertoire making people laugh and happy..she only know to care for people, bad in showing her concern. Because she could not tell and how to deliver it.. that’s why I have envious feeling to see how happy you are with you other friends and how bad I feel not able to make you laughing like that… a worthless company I bet. What do you feel if you’re the one for someone leaning on the shoulder, dumped like an empty can when newly founded person replaced yours?? It’s either 2..she no longer want to burden..or you’re not good at all. I could not find any kind of words to say how much I love you.. and how badly I missed to be as before…as now I feel I’m the last person you ever find to share a life with. How can a sweet candy I have now left a bitter taste inside my mouth?

When you keep something inside..you not even telling..i know you refused too as it is your style.. but just discuss about it…it brings no harm.. the sudden changes in your demeanor and ever gloomy face for sure drives my curiosity to know what’s hidden underneath. Still, I could not make you tell me….and when it settled, you’re acting like nothing happen…try not to be bossy, but isn’t that we’re friends?? Of course if you got conflict in a relationship..I wouldn’t have right to interfere……….but unleashed your worry to a friend so the burden is shared together. (I learned not to keep everything to myself since alyaa mahadzir talked to me like that). Hey, we didn’t tell what we feel, but we demonstrated through our acting. So hard to feel that I’m no longer needed..it slowly kills me… and in silently I’m dying.
Did I write this for begging?? I hope not..but hopes never fade for me to reestablish the mutuality

Thus, it makes me wonder…………for what reason people befriended with me……. Only to share their hard times..and when done, kicked me out in the recyle bin?? Does people being nice just they have to?? Or pretend being good but spit on my face at the back??? Or if they just stay with me for their own good sake…..? the bottom line is……. Reika, being with all of you is based on sincerity… authentic honesty…hoping none of you will betray the friendship rules- honesty + trust..

*Swallow the salty tears*